Brutally Honest Horoscope Generator
The stars have aligned to make your Wi-Fi slightly worse today.
♏ Scorpio: Today is a great day to unsubscribe from 40 emails. It is a terrible day to cut your own bangs. Lucky app: Calculator.
Tip: press the space bar for a fresh one. Every phrase gets its own shareable link.
Your recent bullshit
What is the Brutally Honest Horoscope Generator?
Regular horoscopes promise love, money and "a big change." Ours are more honest. The brutally honest horoscope generator reads the stars and predicts what will actually happen today: you'll open the fridge eleven times, someone will like a photo from 2014, and your lucky snack is string cheese.
Works for every zodiac sign, Aries through Pisces, and for every day of the week. Accuracy is roughly equal to every other horoscope, which is to say: weirdly, sometimes, yes.
How to use it
- Click Read My Stars.
- Find your sign. If it's not your sign, click again, or just accept it. The stars are busy.
- Share it with the friend who blames everything on Mercury.
10 examples from the Brutally Honest Horoscope Generator
- ♋ Cancer: A stranger will compliment your shoes. They are lying. A coworker will ask if you have "a quick sec." It will not be quick. Wear the comfortable pants.
- ♎ Libra: Today is a great day to buy a plant you will not water. It is a terrible day to start a group chat. Lucky snack: string cheese.
- ♉ Taurus: Today is a great day to finally return that Amazon package. It is a terrible day to cut your own bangs. Lucky excuse: traffic.
- ♍ Virgo: Your group chat will go silent the moment you send a message. The universe wants you to know that wasn't a sign, it was a billboard. Stop checking your ex's Spotify.
- ♌ Leo: You will lose a sock to the dryer gods. The universe wants you to know that wasn't a sign, it was a billboard. Wear the comfortable pants.
- ♏ Scorpio: You will open the fridge eleven times hoping something new appeared. Nothing will. Say no to one meeting. Just one. Feel the power. Lucky number: 6. Lucky app: Calculator.
- ♈ Aries: A coworker will ask if you have "a quick sec." It will not be quick. You will make strong eye contact with a dog. He gets it. Trust your gut, unless you had gas station sushi.
- ♒ Aquarius: You'll finally remember that thing. Then you'll forget what it was for. Avoid making decisions, eye contact and soup. Lucky number: 29. Lucky app: Calculator.
- ♌ Leo: Someone will microwave fish near you. The universe wants you to know that wasn't a sign, it was a billboard. Do not reply-all.
- ♏ Scorpio: With Mars in your vacation house, you will be added to a meeting with no agenda. Hydrate. That's it. That's the whole reading. Lucky animal: a confused pigeon.
Frequently asked questions
Are these real horoscopes?
They are exactly as real as any other horoscope, with roughly 40% more honesty about leftovers.
What zodiac signs are included?
All twelve: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces.
What does Mercury retrograde actually mean?
Astronomically, it's when Mercury appears to move backward from Earth's point of view. Socially, it means you're allowed to blame your phone, your ex and your printer on a planet.